Human Bondage

I love people. Life itself is such a phenomenon  that even after twenty years on this earth I still find myself boggled by it. Not sure that I'm trying to understand it - I'm nowhere near smart enough nor capable to wrap my mind around such a concept. But still. As I type this I'm sitting across from an older man on one of the library's computers, updating his iTunes library. Flesh expands and contracts as sinew undulates around a skeletal structure. Small hairs varying from dark black to pale gray shoot up his arm to his hand, and the skin tone gains hints of red, becoming a pale blush color. All these organs and glands and follicles and nerve endings are useless components when they're by themselves; no more than piles of rotting flesh. But a spark was breathed into this heap of tissue and a circuit was formed, blood rushed and an automaton became so much more. It sounds voyeuristic and I can't help but watch people as they walk past me. Observing movements, trends, and a brief part of evolution. Life is a beautiful blend of tangibles and intangibles, the science that dictates us all and the creeds and time lines that allow s to brake molds and evolve within a lifetime.

Personal Jesus

I'm filled with this overwhelming sensation that I'm not quite in touch with reality. All these people are saying that my lifestyle isn't realistic; that helping people isn't realistic. Why? Because I'm depressed. Of course I'm sad, my God, I don't know how many people in my situation would be perfectly happy, am I so deficient? Is my sadness an overreaction? My head is throbbing with all these thoughts, all these words are constantly being dissected and probed and analyzed and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Can you help people when you're sad? Do you have to crawl into a rock until you're fully recovered? Why do people look at my attempts at philanthropy as me flailing and nearing a chasm? Is it so wrong to try to help people? Do my actions need to be validated to be unselfish? I don't see actions with intrinsic and extrinsic values, I try not to because that just makes everything more confusing...even more than it already is. Why does this bother me so much? If my actions are flailing...then it means that I need redemption; if they're simply for intrinsic value than I'm not really a good person I just need gratification...so I need to believe that I'm neither close to a melt down nor that I'm a truly empty person. I get why it bothers me now.