I Talk A Big Game But...

I feel pretty lost. Last night I stayed up til 12 or something talking to Phillip, and all of a sudden a normal conversation led to me being clueless, insensitive, uncaring, an all around bitch and not a true friend. I didn't know what to say to all that...I understand that he and I come from different backgrounds and we could never 100% empathize with each other...but I never really thought that it could be ever anything like this. I don't even know what 'this' is. This state. This feeling. My stomach hurts and I feel like I just want to curl in a ball and cry. I'm confused and I feel like I'm somewhere in this perpetual state of shock and disbelief; like there's no way in hell that this guy I considered one of my best friends would look down on me in such a way and truly think so low of me. I don't know how to apologize for being awkward. This is kind of painful to admit but I didn't really have any friends until a couple years ago...I don't know how to say things to people or proper etiquette when it comes to offering help or anything along those lines...and I don't know how to change overnight from being awkward and self conscious to being this person that just isn't me. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to make things right. I lost the last person that I could really just talk to about anything without worrying about judgment and now I don't know. I just don't know.