Minus the Complexity

I hate rules. Absolutely despise them. Sometimes I fantasize about a world with no rules - just complete unbridled freedom. At the same time, absolute freedom would create anarchy and pandemonium and the world as we know it would cease to exist. Imagine a world where no one cared about the bills or the obligations that they needed to fulfill to society, would life be one big party or would it be the harbinger of an apocalypse? The same question could be applied if one abandons the rules that dictate their personal life. If you could do whatever you want, say whatever crossed your mind, and take part in each and every vice you please...would this be better or worse?

Like I Was Prematurely Awakened From A Dream

There’s so much on my mind that I want to get out into the open but I can’t because A) not only will I sound depressing, B) I will come across as incoherent and mildly retarded and C) I honestly don’t know how to get it all out. This whole writing process is supposed to be cathartic but all I feel is confusion and regret for eating a whole plate of General Tso’s chicken for lunch...the writing doesn't cause the regret I just thought I would be one hundred percent open with how I’m feeling. Possibly too much information, I don’t know. I feel pretty confused to be honest – when did people start thinking that life would become perfect and carefree when they struck the lottery? What happened to wanting to be a ballerina or an astronaut or a fire fighter? It disappoints me when I hear so many people only want money in their lives, and I hope that some of them aspire for bigger and better things beyond it – but at the same time I can’t talk or criticize because I’ve never felt that hunger that some of them do, and for me to even sympathize would be condescending in a way. So….I sit and I observe. I do love watching the definition of the human condition re-write itself as time progresses.

This Seemed More Promising

Word to the wise: if you have feelings for someone keep them bottled up; telling someone how you feel not only releases the genie but makes you feel worse in a situation that normally probably wouldn’t faze you to begin with. Today I learned this and another fact: I’m not the girl that guys would want to take home to their mom. I actually learned this not too long ago, and I’m not sure how to react quite yet…so I wonder what kind of girl they see me as. Do boys even take girls to meet their mom anymore? What happened while I was asleep that changed the dating world so drastically from when I was younger. Everything had seemed so promising when I was little: you grow up, you meet a boy that respects you and treats you right and if you’re a good girl and he really, really likes you a lot he will take you home to meet his parents. The line of events continues with a wedding, two kids, a white picket fence and then a senile but happy ending in some retirement home where the workers don’t abuse the tenants. What happened!?

Catch 22

Commitment scares me. It's not the idea of never being romantically or sexually involved with another person besides your partner that terrifies me - it's the fact that there really is no security or guarantee. When you put yourself out there on that tree branch who's to say that your partner will stay faithful or hell, that you yourself will remain faithful. I'm scared shitless. I don't want to be the girl that cheats on her boyfriend nor the girl that gets cheated on. I like my independence. I like knowing that if I'm alone, there's no chance of me getting hurt or getting my heart broken. But at the same time, the catch is that with that solitude I won't be able to discover my better half, my soul mate, my love. So many books and songs preach that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all but have those people ever walked in on their partner engaged in sexual intercourse with their own cousin? Witness that, manage to keep the same "keep on keepin' on" attitude and then I'll listen to your ramblings more earnestly. I suppose this whole entry has to deal with inner guilt and insecurities and whatnot, but because I'm not laying on a couch and Freud isn't around to psychoanalyze me and blame my mother for my inability to trust then we'll call it a night.

Exceeding Expectations

I met with my mom yesterday, second time I’ve seen her in these past three months. She looked good – not sure if she switched up her skin care regimen or if she started dating someone new, but either way she looked amazing. Shorter hair is becoming on her. It was special for some reason, something about it surpassed everything that I had expected and I’m not sure what it was. I didn’t get any sleep last night; I was too eager about the prospect of today and nervous at the potential failure that loomed. Every model fears becoming runway road-kill and I was no exception. Thankfully, I didn’t fall, trip, or stumble, and my shows were about as well as I could have hoped. Between the third and 4th show I stepped into the plaza in my pajamas (Comfort is a must in between shows after all) and I got my portrait done by a man with a piece of charcoal and a Kleenex. Looks pretty good, I need to look into how I can scan it into my computer. I would scan my other shots from past photo shoots but the nudity and unconventional layout would be alienating I think.

With Love From Milan

Down here you see some beautiful architecture, unlike anything you would ever dream of; something that truly is one-of-a-kind and cannot be duplicated. Pictures from a plaza in Milan - how cool is this? One of these days I need to take someone to Italy with me so they can experience this. I think I have the person in mind, I just wonder if he'll agree to go with me.