Step I: You Are Broken Down Until There Is Nothing Left Except A Foundation

Slightly before Thanksgiving my little sister died. When she was slightly past two years old she was diagnosed with terminal esophageal cancer and was given approximately three months to live. She lived to celebrate her third birthday and several months past that. The day she died I boarded a flight to Salt Lake City, Utah, and spent slightly over three weeks at a clinic because I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. I had gone to this clinic once before because I had felt overwhelmed, but it was only for a couple of days and I didn't seek counseling from any of the doctors, simply a refuge away from everything and everyone where I could gather my thoughts and come back composed and rested. The first attempt seemed to fail as I lasted only over a year before I found myself back at the same state as before; so I made appointments with the doctors for this time around. We talked a lot, in private therapy and group therapy sessions; so many people from all over the country felt the same imminent meltdown that I felt, and we vented and we released and we broke down. I didn't think I was that damaged a person before I went there, but I just broke the fuck down; years of repression and pent up rage and hurt spilled out and I felt drained and exhausted and overcome with mixed emotions. I felt glad that I was able to release it all but past demons came forth with a vengeance and took no prisoners; I felt guilty for some of my feelings and ashamed and I would be sitting in the big maroon plastic chairs just bawling my eyes out. I wanted to feel vindicated and validated and I wanted someone to tell me why no one seemed to care and why no one stayed around. The doctors felt that I had no sense of self worth and terrible self image; and that unless I changed and began to view myself in a more positive light I would become a lost soul destined for substance abuse and a life unsuitable for anyone. Daily practice was emphasized, I would stand in a room filled with people, fellow patients and administrative staff, and I would read out letters that I had written to family members both living and deceased, former loved ones and friends whom I was no longer associated with. I would read out how I was hurt and angry and I didn't want them to pity me nor did I want acceptance I just wanted them to tell me why because up until this point I blamed myself and I hated myself for not being good enough. I never made it very far into the letters and a couple times the orderlies sedated me until I overcame my state of shock and grief. I talked to a friend of mine about it last night. He listened as I talked and talked all my anxieties and phobias and neuroses flying out like projectile weapons and he suggested that I move; that I leave all of this behind, because where I live and who I deal with on a somewhat daily basis is a toxic environment and how I need change to leave this "limbo of perpetual depression" and until I find a change, I will be stuck there forever. It was my turn to listen, and I took everything he had to offer to heart. I just don't know where to go. I had wanted to go to Arizona for multiple reasons, but now I don't think that's an option for me anymore. Mike, Ricky, Rechard...each one a reason why I at one time wanted to go, but now a counter-reason. I would hold Mike back from all his potential and his future and I can't live with that; Ricky once said that he would be there for whenever but now doesn't want anything to do with me and that is a friendship I know cannot be salvaged..and then there's Rechard. I'll always have a place in my heart for him but he's not there anymore and I don't know how to be in a place so close in proximity to someone, but so far apart and detached on all levels. Right now I'm looking eastward...I was planning on selling my property on the Island but now I'm not so sure about that...planning is in my not-too-distant future and I need to come to a decision soon. My reason for staying is buried now, and right now all I have are reasons to leave, and each day a new reason is added. My time's up.