Redux

My attempts at posting a blog once a month have been futile. I'm beginning to realize I don't know what to write about anymore - the things that used to bother me have lost their shock value and I find myself accepting things more and more easily. As a matter of fact, most of the things that used to bother me seem trivial now. I wonder why that is. Suddenly it feels like I've been here before. This hotel room, this city, this night, this train of thought; and I begin to wonder if my thought processes are evolving at all. If I stay at the same point of awareness and never open my eyes any wider; never wonder why I am the way I am - what does that say about my life? One likes to think that a life well-lived is where one reaches his or her full potential, but if I find myself plateauing out, is this the equivalent of death? And even now as I continue forward with this thought process, I wonder if this, too, is not a repeat of a previous thought conceived on some other similar night in some other similar hotel room. And if that is the case, I seem to find myself at this point again and again. Is this a plateau or a sign of a steeper inclination - some possible enlightenment not too far away but just unobtainable at the moment. From a mathematical standpoint, if this is a steeper incline then a boost in momentum should help me acheive higher ground; just how to acheive said momentum is lost on me. Yet at the same time, to be perfectly rational, there is always the possibility that this is as far as I'm going to get. Sad thing is, I can accept the facts: I can accept where I am and who I am... just don't know what it means. Hopefully, this unknowing is promise of growth ahead of me.

Little Girl Lost

I spent the majority of this somewhat overcast, somewhat humid, overall unpleasant morning laying in my bed and reflecting. For some unexplainable reason, that bed seems to have fueled my truest and most brutally honest thoughts, and this morning proved to be no different. As I lay there, looking up at the shadows cast on the textured ceiling by rotating fan blades, I realized that I truly know nothing. All thoughts and preconceptions before today were naive follies and ultimately proved to be inaccurate, at best. At worst - they were horribly horribly incorrect and resulted in hurt feelings and a jaded persona. I'm not sure why it took so long to realize this up until now, but it finally sunk in....and I wish I could forget my new found truth. I know that if you, whomever you are, have read prior blog entries you might not think of me to be an optimist - but I think if there ever was an optimist it would be me. Having said that and thinking over my own words...I wonder if I was really being an optimist, or just wanting for the best to happen out of sheer fear of the worst. With a hint of denial, of course. Do we already know these unmistakable truths but continue to live our lives fill of ignorance and delusion; or is life like one of those laws that we learn about in high school chemistry and physics class? Life = blind faith + perseverance? What I know right now is that the honest faces are sometimes attached to the most heinous liars, the bad guys don't always wear black and lurk in the shadows, and sometimes while the trials and tribulations of life ravage our souls the hero never ever comes. Some people continue to live without these affecting them, and I keep them in my prayers. With any luck, I'll regain my faith in the not too distant future, but for now...

New Outlooks

I was thinking earlier this morning, about what this blog really is. I mean, besides the obvious rants, raves, and tangents of a twenty year-old; I think that this blog is a deeper look into people, behind all the politically correct, unbiased, and sugar coated fluff that shelters people from the cold reality of things. It may sound like I'm stroking my ego here, but I really only like to use big words and go on lengthy trains of thought. So sue me. But anyways, I was recently inspired when a friend of mine was interviewed for a tumblr account, providing insight on whomever the writer thought was interesting. I'm going to be taking a slightly different approach, and interview friends of mine whom are up-and-coming (insert profession here). I see a lot of potential in all of these people, and want to share their personal thoughts on life, their career goals, and everything in between. Starting with underground Chicago Rapper: G.O.D Jewels.

Juxtaposed to exhibit A: a normal person

I'm faking it. This control and confidence and security. I'm not even sure if I was fooling anyone to begin with. It bugs me more than it should sometimes that I can't relate to people. I feel like a damn outcast and I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm not even sure if it should be/can be fixed. Should we change our nature? Can we change our nature? I don't cry anymore. Not when I should. I think it's all back there - my sympathy, my empathy, my giving a damn. But now when something happens to m friends or family all I can find myself doing is asking how everything's going and offering my support. I know somewhere deep inside I should be more troubled that they're having problems but I can't seem to muster that much sincerity. I can't seem to fully shake my own problems...does this make me a normal person or an uncaring bitch? I can't stop thinking about the talk that I had with my friend months ago...I hate that this person that I let my guard down to just took off the handicaps and swung away with reckless abandon. I feel myself starting to clam up, so I think I'll continue this mental babble later on.

I Talk A Big Game But...

I feel pretty lost. Last night I stayed up til 12 or something talking to Phillip, and all of a sudden a normal conversation led to me being clueless, insensitive, uncaring, an all around bitch and not a true friend. I didn't know what to say to all that...I understand that he and I come from different backgrounds and we could never 100% empathize with each other...but I never really thought that it could be ever anything like this. I don't even know what 'this' is. This state. This feeling. My stomach hurts and I feel like I just want to curl in a ball and cry. I'm confused and I feel like I'm somewhere in this perpetual state of shock and disbelief; like there's no way in hell that this guy I considered one of my best friends would look down on me in such a way and truly think so low of me. I don't know how to apologize for being awkward. This is kind of painful to admit but I didn't really have any friends until a couple years ago...I don't know how to say things to people or proper etiquette when it comes to offering help or anything along those lines...and I don't know how to change overnight from being awkward and self conscious to being this person that just isn't me. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to make things right. I lost the last person that I could really just talk to about anything without worrying about judgment and now I don't know. I just don't know.

Janus

Why is it so hard to find somebody? I know it is a pretty basic question but I think that has been asked by the majority of us at one time or another. I get panicked some times; it feels almost like if I don't find someone soon, my options will decrease exponentially and by the time I reach my 30's - 40's, the only single men will be broken, gay, or undergoing some sort of crisis - and I know that I cannot be the only woman out there that feels this way...am I? I wonder if the opposite sex experiences the same thought? However when I ponder the likelihood of that, it seems so far fetched and on the verge of comical. Dismissive and offensive, maybe, but can you blame me for thinking that way? How many times have we seen men in the public eye cheat, lie, and celebrate avoiding any sort of commitment? I know that this thought completely contradicts some of my other views regarding commitment/fidelity and yes, I know it seems as though I have no idea as to what I want when it comes to relationships involving the opposite sex but that is not the case...at least not to my knowledge. I know that sooner or later I want a relationship, but I want one when it feels appropriate - I feel rushing into anything, ESPECIALLY a relationship, is only a means to a jaded and bitter end. But at the time, I do not want my own personal phobias and discomforts to leave me with little to no options. Is this thinking rational or am I being too high maintenance?

We dance to remember to forget

I know that the entire world is obsessed with Lady Gaga, and although I don't follow her movements and fashion eccentricities like the rag tabloids and other pop culture fanatics do, I am truly a fan. I think that that the reason I am such a big fan of hers is not because of how loony she is, nor how provocative her lyrics and ensemble are. No, my fan basis lies in in her ability to take completely normal scenarios that almost everyone experiences in a lifetime - and tweaks it, adds a melody, and creates a hit. And no, this blog entry is not completely dedicated to Lady Gaga, I do have a point that I will eventually come across, so indulge me with this lengthy introduction and subtle transition. There is an art behind taking normal scenarios, whether pleasant or otherwise, and making something from them that the entire world can relate to. Lady Gaga just happened to be a favorite artist of mine, and creator to some of the most recent and popular examples. Love Games, Poker face, Bad Romance, and Telephone are just examples - men/women experiencing some sort of romantic turbulence, wanting to either escape by carnal means or mend said relationship....and allowing the rest of us live/dance vicariously through their misfortunes. There's something that keeps coming to mind when I find myself dancing (yes, I'm guilty of it, too) to songs of this nature; a lyric from "Hotel California" by the Eagles - "Some dance to remember, some dance to forget." Is that what we do when we dance to these songs? We relive the experiences and by doing so, find some sort of closure? How many of those scantly clad girls dancing to the rhythmic beat can relate to the lyrics depicting heartbreak/steamy sex/more often than naught regret? 'How the Hell did you pull that random thought out of your ass, Sam?' you may ask, and the answer is that I found myself thinking about one of my exes when Bad Romance came on the radio. Not immediately, mind you, but mid-thought I caught myself, and being the weird person that I am, began to reflect on my thought process as well as the lyrics that I was rhythmically dancing to in my car (don't judge me). And then I began to wonder if the other fans out there had experienced, at one time or another, the same heavy heart and regret that I feel? Ask yourself next time you find yourself dancing to a song and let me know - I'm curious as to whether you dance to remember, to forget, or something else entirely.