New Outlooks

I was thinking earlier this morning, about what this blog really is. I mean, besides the obvious rants, raves, and tangents of a twenty year-old; I think that this blog is a deeper look into people, behind all the politically correct, unbiased, and sugar coated fluff that shelters people from the cold reality of things. It may sound like I'm stroking my ego here, but I really only like to use big words and go on lengthy trains of thought. So sue me. But anyways, I was recently inspired when a friend of mine was interviewed for a tumblr account, providing insight on whomever the writer thought was interesting. I'm going to be taking a slightly different approach, and interview friends of mine whom are up-and-coming (insert profession here). I see a lot of potential in all of these people, and want to share their personal thoughts on life, their career goals, and everything in between. Starting with underground Chicago Rapper: G.O.D Jewels.

Juxtaposed to exhibit A: a normal person

I'm faking it. This control and confidence and security. I'm not even sure if I was fooling anyone to begin with. It bugs me more than it should sometimes that I can't relate to people. I feel like a damn outcast and I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm not even sure if it should be/can be fixed. Should we change our nature? Can we change our nature? I don't cry anymore. Not when I should. I think it's all back there - my sympathy, my empathy, my giving a damn. But now when something happens to m friends or family all I can find myself doing is asking how everything's going and offering my support. I know somewhere deep inside I should be more troubled that they're having problems but I can't seem to muster that much sincerity. I can't seem to fully shake my own problems...does this make me a normal person or an uncaring bitch? I can't stop thinking about the talk that I had with my friend months ago...I hate that this person that I let my guard down to just took off the handicaps and swung away with reckless abandon. I feel myself starting to clam up, so I think I'll continue this mental babble later on.

I Talk A Big Game But...

I feel pretty lost. Last night I stayed up til 12 or something talking to Phillip, and all of a sudden a normal conversation led to me being clueless, insensitive, uncaring, an all around bitch and not a true friend. I didn't know what to say to all that...I understand that he and I come from different backgrounds and we could never 100% empathize with each other...but I never really thought that it could be ever anything like this. I don't even know what 'this' is. This state. This feeling. My stomach hurts and I feel like I just want to curl in a ball and cry. I'm confused and I feel like I'm somewhere in this perpetual state of shock and disbelief; like there's no way in hell that this guy I considered one of my best friends would look down on me in such a way and truly think so low of me. I don't know how to apologize for being awkward. This is kind of painful to admit but I didn't really have any friends until a couple years ago...I don't know how to say things to people or proper etiquette when it comes to offering help or anything along those lines...and I don't know how to change overnight from being awkward and self conscious to being this person that just isn't me. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to make things right. I lost the last person that I could really just talk to about anything without worrying about judgment and now I don't know. I just don't know.

Janus

Why is it so hard to find somebody? I know it is a pretty basic question but I think that has been asked by the majority of us at one time or another. I get panicked some times; it feels almost like if I don't find someone soon, my options will decrease exponentially and by the time I reach my 30's - 40's, the only single men will be broken, gay, or undergoing some sort of crisis - and I know that I cannot be the only woman out there that feels this way...am I? I wonder if the opposite sex experiences the same thought? However when I ponder the likelihood of that, it seems so far fetched and on the verge of comical. Dismissive and offensive, maybe, but can you blame me for thinking that way? How many times have we seen men in the public eye cheat, lie, and celebrate avoiding any sort of commitment? I know that this thought completely contradicts some of my other views regarding commitment/fidelity and yes, I know it seems as though I have no idea as to what I want when it comes to relationships involving the opposite sex but that is not the case...at least not to my knowledge. I know that sooner or later I want a relationship, but I want one when it feels appropriate - I feel rushing into anything, ESPECIALLY a relationship, is only a means to a jaded and bitter end. But at the time, I do not want my own personal phobias and discomforts to leave me with little to no options. Is this thinking rational or am I being too high maintenance?

We dance to remember to forget

I know that the entire world is obsessed with Lady Gaga, and although I don't follow her movements and fashion eccentricities like the rag tabloids and other pop culture fanatics do, I am truly a fan. I think that that the reason I am such a big fan of hers is not because of how loony she is, nor how provocative her lyrics and ensemble are. No, my fan basis lies in in her ability to take completely normal scenarios that almost everyone experiences in a lifetime - and tweaks it, adds a melody, and creates a hit. And no, this blog entry is not completely dedicated to Lady Gaga, I do have a point that I will eventually come across, so indulge me with this lengthy introduction and subtle transition. There is an art behind taking normal scenarios, whether pleasant or otherwise, and making something from them that the entire world can relate to. Lady Gaga just happened to be a favorite artist of mine, and creator to some of the most recent and popular examples. Love Games, Poker face, Bad Romance, and Telephone are just examples - men/women experiencing some sort of romantic turbulence, wanting to either escape by carnal means or mend said relationship....and allowing the rest of us live/dance vicariously through their misfortunes. There's something that keeps coming to mind when I find myself dancing (yes, I'm guilty of it, too) to songs of this nature; a lyric from "Hotel California" by the Eagles - "Some dance to remember, some dance to forget." Is that what we do when we dance to these songs? We relive the experiences and by doing so, find some sort of closure? How many of those scantly clad girls dancing to the rhythmic beat can relate to the lyrics depicting heartbreak/steamy sex/more often than naught regret? 'How the Hell did you pull that random thought out of your ass, Sam?' you may ask, and the answer is that I found myself thinking about one of my exes when Bad Romance came on the radio. Not immediately, mind you, but mid-thought I caught myself, and being the weird person that I am, began to reflect on my thought process as well as the lyrics that I was rhythmically dancing to in my car (don't judge me). And then I began to wonder if the other fans out there had experienced, at one time or another, the same heavy heart and regret that I feel? Ask yourself next time you find yourself dancing to a song and let me know - I'm curious as to whether you dance to remember, to forget, or something else entirely.

My quest for enlightenment

I wish I was more insightful and profound. I'd like to fancy myself an educated woman with a good head on her shoulders. Pick an adjective that describes a down-to-earth person with common sense and an original idea to his or her name, and that describes me. Well, I'd like it to. But as the days progress, I'm wondering if that's an accurate statement or a very frivolous folly. Have you ever felt that way...whoever you are? Have you ever wondered if the image that you have of yourself is accurate or just your ego constructing a cruel illusion...or is it just me? For the longest time I thought that I had lived life to the fullest. Loved and lost, dared and dreamed, failed horribly and succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. But as soon as I look back at my life, the second I look around me, people seem to have escalated to this pinnacle so far above me, where they understand human nature and the way things work and I feel like a baby, like all my experiences count for nothing. There is an antecdote, that reads "a man does not make the journey, the journey makes the man." Life is a journey, one on which all of us venture, but what is the final outcome if the journey is not a rigorous one? What if, instead of being met with obstacle after impending obstacle, the path is smooth and paved and relatively easy to travel? Are you less of a man at the end? I don't understand. I don't know. I wish I did; I wish that God or someone with a bit of enlightenment could give me the damn cheat sheet. God please give me strength. And a rocky path ahead of me. Thanks.

Step I: You Are Broken Down Until There Is Nothing Left Except A Foundation

Slightly before Thanksgiving my little sister died. When she was slightly past two years old she was diagnosed with terminal esophageal cancer and was given approximately three months to live. She lived to celebrate her third birthday and several months past that. The day she died I boarded a flight to Salt Lake City, Utah, and spent slightly over three weeks at a clinic because I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. I had gone to this clinic once before because I had felt overwhelmed, but it was only for a couple of days and I didn't seek counseling from any of the doctors, simply a refuge away from everything and everyone where I could gather my thoughts and come back composed and rested. The first attempt seemed to fail as I lasted only over a year before I found myself back at the same state as before; so I made appointments with the doctors for this time around. We talked a lot, in private therapy and group therapy sessions; so many people from all over the country felt the same imminent meltdown that I felt, and we vented and we released and we broke down. I didn't think I was that damaged a person before I went there, but I just broke the fuck down; years of repression and pent up rage and hurt spilled out and I felt drained and exhausted and overcome with mixed emotions. I felt glad that I was able to release it all but past demons came forth with a vengeance and took no prisoners; I felt guilty for some of my feelings and ashamed and I would be sitting in the big maroon plastic chairs just bawling my eyes out. I wanted to feel vindicated and validated and I wanted someone to tell me why no one seemed to care and why no one stayed around. The doctors felt that I had no sense of self worth and terrible self image; and that unless I changed and began to view myself in a more positive light I would become a lost soul destined for substance abuse and a life unsuitable for anyone. Daily practice was emphasized, I would stand in a room filled with people, fellow patients and administrative staff, and I would read out letters that I had written to family members both living and deceased, former loved ones and friends whom I was no longer associated with. I would read out how I was hurt and angry and I didn't want them to pity me nor did I want acceptance I just wanted them to tell me why because up until this point I blamed myself and I hated myself for not being good enough. I never made it very far into the letters and a couple times the orderlies sedated me until I overcame my state of shock and grief. I talked to a friend of mine about it last night. He listened as I talked and talked all my anxieties and phobias and neuroses flying out like projectile weapons and he suggested that I move; that I leave all of this behind, because where I live and who I deal with on a somewhat daily basis is a toxic environment and how I need change to leave this "limbo of perpetual depression" and until I find a change, I will be stuck there forever. It was my turn to listen, and I took everything he had to offer to heart. I just don't know where to go. I had wanted to go to Arizona for multiple reasons, but now I don't think that's an option for me anymore. Mike, Ricky, Rechard...each one a reason why I at one time wanted to go, but now a counter-reason. I would hold Mike back from all his potential and his future and I can't live with that; Ricky once said that he would be there for whenever but now doesn't want anything to do with me and that is a friendship I know cannot be salvaged..and then there's Rechard. I'll always have a place in my heart for him but he's not there anymore and I don't know how to be in a place so close in proximity to someone, but so far apart and detached on all levels. Right now I'm looking eastward...I was planning on selling my property on the Island but now I'm not so sure about that...planning is in my not-too-distant future and I need to come to a decision soon. My reason for staying is buried now, and right now all I have are reasons to leave, and each day a new reason is added. My time's up.